Alice

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"Talk about cognitive load!:"

The Story of Alice

Demographics: Asian Female, PhD Student in Psychology

Tags: Psychology, PhD Student, Financials, Stress, SNAP

ElevenLabs_Alice.mp3

My name is Alice. I am a second-year clinical psychology Ph.D. student here. I am currently living in a close by city with David, my longtime partner. I do research with individuals with psychosis and other serious mental illnesses, investigating the impacts of, like, health behaviors and social functioning on their quality of life. And then I do clinical work in a more general population, with no particular emphasis other than helping individuals with their mental health and wellbeing. I also teach a course, abnormal psychology. So yeah, those are some of my roles.

I do a few different things for fun. I'm very into working out. I also really enjoy movies and eating. Yeah, I've gotten quite nerdy about movies recently. Oh, and I read a lot, even outside of the context of my job, schooling, et cetera.

My mom was 18 when she had me, so I think, stories of the first year of my life were kind of bouncing around housing situations, and weren't particularly secure. Then she married my... Not my biological father, but my dad, when I was about a year old. He was in the military, and so I think things were more stable for a couple of years... And then he got kicked out of the military, so I think my family moved to a different state, to be near his family. They were quite mean, and my mom became pregnant with my younger brother. Eventually, we got to where I ended up growing up, which is public housing in a rural part of the South. So the housing itself was stable. We lived there for the whole like, 10 years of my young childhood through mid-adolescence. So, it was stable enough. We didn't move. Um, but the food was, like, very tightly rationed. I mean, we were a family of four, and I think my dad made something in the $20,000s, and then eventually reached into the $30,000 range. And then with government housing, they check how much you're making, and if you make too much, then your rent goes up, and then maybe you don't qualify to stay there anymore.

And then we lived in this liminal place, where this is like a little bit less sure of a thing, in terms of housing, and we don't qualify for food stamps. I qualified for free and reduced lunch, but we didn't qualify for food stamps, so the budget was incredibly, incredibly, incredibly tight. We always had at least one meal a day, but most of the time it was just one meal a day. A lot of times it was like weeks of spaghetti, or Hamburger Helper, so in terms of protein and vegetables, not something I grew up with very regularly at all. So I thought that was a very common experience, until, like, I grew up, and left the house. That was the situation up until I was 14, and then a series of very bizarre and lucky circumstances occurred, and I applied for a scholarship to go to a boarding school... And I got a full-ride scholarship to go to boarding school, and then my life, like, changed. I got out of my house, which was kind of stressful. My brother has a mental illness, so that was a huge stressor in my family. So I left my house, and it was great. And I was in a place that valued education... 'Cause in the rural South being smart is not a positive attribute. Caring about your schooling and wanting to be in school and reading, was not aspirational. So, I was happy to be in an environment like the boarding school.

I also had a food hall that I had unlimited access to for the first time in my life, and it was very overwhelming. Um, it was very overwhelming. And then I think about that sometimes, because like you adapt pretty quickly, and you get comfortable in those types of spaces. There's also a lot of disordered eating with, like, rich girls in boarding schools, and that stuff can get kind of contagious. So being a young woman, and a teenager at a time when low-rise jeans were a thing, was not very good for making sure I was healthy and taking advantage of the resources that I had at that time. 'Cause I really missed that when I went to college, and then I was like "Oh, okay. I'm responsible for paying for food." That was like, that was fine, 'cause I paid for a meal plan, and I had scholarships... Also some loans, but not, not that bad. My whole undergraduate experience, what I took out in loans is less than what I'll be doing for one year here. So, it's not even that bad... That was stomachable.

I had three options for graduate schools. I had here, I had one university further up north, and I had one university in the Midwest. I didn't want to go to the one up north, 'cause they aren't funded at all. So there is no stipend, and I would have to pay tuition. So, I would be hundreds of thousands in debt. So, that's not an option. I cannot afford that, and it is not that good anyway. So really, it was between Opportunity and the midwestern university. I didn't want to go to the midwestern university, 'cause it's, uh, the Midwest, and I think I have done my due diligence of living in the middle of nowhere. Also, my research mentor here at Opportunity is just a really nice person, and I wanted to work with him. The program here has a health psychology focus, so I'm very passionate about the connection between the mind and the body, and I wanted to make sure that my work involved that, and this seemed like a good place to do it. At the midwestern university though, my stipend would be twice what it is, and I wouldn't have had any worries about tuition or fees. So, I think about that a lot. I mean, I thought about it, made the decision, and was like, "No regrets. I'm happy." In the last year especially, because the financial situation was not what I thought it would be, but also the reaction of some of the administrative faculties my frustrations were, I think disrespectful, and that was particularly upsetting. And I think a lot about what my life would've been like in the Midwest.

When I came to Opportunity, I was told there was a stipend, and it was a smaller stipend than I think the other programs have, but it was a stipend nevertheless…I did my math, and figured that it was liveable enough, especially 'cause I split the costs of living with David. Came to find out that there were fees and all of these other things that were not made explicit to me. And I rapidly had to figure out solutions to the fact that I did not have enough money to live on, even with loans, even with splitting costs of living.

Last year my stipend was $9000, um, this year it's like $10,000 and then I do have partial tuition remission. I was told my tuition would be covered up to $1000, so I would only be responsible for $1000 if you subtract the $1000 from the stipend, that's effectively $9000. I was not aware that I was responsible for various fees. That being the course credit, the fees for credit, as well as student fees, for what? I'm not sure, 'cause I'm a graduate student. It's not like I do things on this campus, 'cause I don't have time, and I don't feel like part of this community enough to do that. So, anyway, I think the fees this semester added up to something like $3,500, and so times two, that's $7000. So what, you know, what stipend? In the end, I’m left with like $1000 a year. And to be clear, that stipend isn't like ‘here you go,’ it is part of a teaching fellowship, so I teach for that money. So, there are strings attached to that, right?

So I had to figure out how to apply for food stamps, and like Affordable Care Act stuff for insurance, and figuring out things as I go. I'm not a stranger to being kind of lower-income. I grew up in government housing, and food insecurity has been a part of my past. I thought I was done with that part of my life, doing what the American dream formula tells you you're supposed to do, which is work really hard and pursue educational opportunities, and be able to lift yourself up. I mean, we'll see, but somehow I still find myself back on government assistance and trying to figure out how to make things spread as far as possible, and I am very unhappy to have memories and feelings that come with food insecurity bubble up again at this stage of my life.

I was like, I'm pursuing a PhD, I really would like to consider myself an intelligent woman, and I check all of the things that I need to check. I checked my math multiple times, to make sure that I would be in an okay spot. I didn't expect to be, like, super comfortable, but I didn't expect it to be this bad. I was really, really anxious about it. I mean, I grew up in government housing, I don't have people in my life that I can fall back on. I also am someone who highly values their independence, and so while I don't split my costs of living, like my rent 50/50, um, I do split it more than what's proportional to how much I make... Um, because I don't want to be reliant on a person, especially a person with whom my relationship is one of, love and respect. So anxiety, anger, and then straight into problem-solving... Okay, where can I make edits to my lifestyle, to be able to afford to do this? So then get into applying for different government resources, and heavily pulling back on different quality of life things... Like what foods I was buying, gym memberships and hobbies, and stuff of that nature.

For grad school loans, the Federal Government has a cap of, $20,500 for the year, so I pull out that... And then because my program is quite rigorous and they actually take more than the average amount of credit hours, I'm able to pull out slightly more than that, in the form of Graduate Plus loans. And that's around, $4000 for the year, so I'm pulling out around $25,000 per year in loans. I have an issue with the financial aid department, every semester... Like you fill out FAFSA, I'm familiar with FAFSA... love FAFSA. That's very sarcastic. Anyway, FAFSA says how much you're eligible for in terms of loans, and it says I'm eligible for the full federally capped amount, right? That's part of my calculations. Every semester the financial aid department goes, "Eh, actually your cost of attendance isn't that high, so you're not gonna be eligible for the amount that FAFSA said that you are, so we're gonna, like, cut that off at a certain point." So instead of the $10,250 each semester, it's something around $7,000. My calculations are already not adding up. I can't take a $3,000 hit in terms of paying my bills. It's just not gonna happen. So every semester I have to email them, and then they're confused, even though I'm emailing them the same email chains... So you can see that we've had conversations about this, and I have to call them and go through the whole rigmarole of, "I am taking more credits than the average graduate student at this institution, and therefore my cost of attendance is higher than your calculator says that it is, so I need my ability to take out those loans through y'all's end to be, um, changed to reflect that." Every semester. I've timed it. It takes about four hours of my life.

It takes a couple of, like, freakouts, that often involve, um, crying, where I'm like, "If they don't..." Like, "If they don't believe me this semester, if they don't... If they decide for some reason that, uh, x plus y does not equal z this semester, I can't pay my bills, and I don't know what I'm going to do, 'cause I very genuinely like ca-... Uh, I don't know what I would do with that." It's an emotional toll, and it's four hours of my life every semester, which when you add that up, that's like four days of my life that I'm gonna spend calling these people. That's fine. They have their things that they have to do. I'm talking to people who are just doing a job. It's not their fault. It's frustrating.

Realizing I needed to use SNAP, ACA, and the University pantry made me really frustrated. SNAP, I found on my own. From lived experiences, I know that it existed. I remember the day I applied for that. I was, uh, very mad, um, and I said, "Pfft, they're gonna put me into this place of poverty? Fine, I'll act like a..." Like, "F- fine, I'll go to the government and figure out resources, because apparently like..."

Anyway. I didn't know about the University pantry until, this year, until like late fall, 'cause a first year in my lab, um, found it and like pointed me in that direction. I was like, "The first year in my lab pointed me to this resource? Why didn't anybody else point me to this resource? Why did I just find out about this? I could've had this the whole time." So, that was pretty annoying, to say the least. I did connect with the university pantry and was able to have the 30 meal swipes a semester, which has actually been helpful, um, in terms of making sure that I have lunches on class days. I can't manage getting to the food bank situation, because the times that they're open, I have class or clinical obligations. And even if they changed the times, I don't. I genuinely don't have time in my schedule. It's very, very packed.

I... ugh, just like, couldn't understand why no one told me. I've… I've made noise about how I'm, like, stressed out about finances, and I directly asked for help... I've asked for help in various areas, actually, and every time I ask for help, I get a lot of shrugs, and, "I don't know..." And, "That sounds hard," and, "I wish I could do something for you," and I don't think that anybody has taken the care and consideration to actually go and figure out what resources are there to connect the students to it. Because honestly, at this level of training, I'm... I'm so busy, and I'm so tired, and I'm so burnt out, that I don’t have the energy to figure out where to look for these things. You know, we're all responsible for ourselves, but we are also part of an institution that, w-we're like... We're all together, right? Like, they should be disseminating this type of information. Especially like what gets me is that I'm in clinical psychology. We're in a helping profession, right? We talk all the time about disparities, mental health care, and mental health care access, and all of these things. We are aware of social systems, and yet we do nothing to break down barriers for our own people.

I went to my director of clinical training, I said, "Sir, every semester I'm going through this rigmarole. It's emotionally taxing on me. It's taking up my time, which I am very limited on. Is there any way... Is there an…avenue? That we could go through where we can just have them have a different calculator for us…? Or like some automation in this process that doesn't involve me calling and crying? That would be really, really nice." And he's like, "Well, they don't listen to me. They're more likely to listen to students." And so, I said, "They don't listen to me, so could you try?" And, "No. Nope. Um, yeah, that sounds frustrating."

I had a call with him recently, I guess around a month and a half ago, where I was like, "I actually did the, I did the math. I might be a little bit short this summer." Because our funding doesn't go through the summer, it's like a 9 or a 10-month contract. I don't remember. "So, I'm a little worried. Um, last summer I was able to take out, like, additional loans, 'cause we had summer classes. This summer we do not, so, like, I'm a little worried about it. Are there any resources in the department or the institution that help bridge this gap? And I'm not saying even like free money, are there any jobs? Can I teach a course over the summer? Can I do some type of graduate assistantship somewhere? Like, are there any opportunities around? I'm willing to put in the time. I just..." He was like, "Uh, no. Um, you should feel free to get a job." and I said, "I have research obligations. I have to pump out a dissertation. I still have my clinical work. I am a therapist two days a week. I don't know when I'm gonna do that." He replied, "Bartending is in the evenings." I said, "I'm gonna lose it ." I didn't say that, but I was like I'm gonna lose it. Um, how dare you?... Become a bartender? Anyway! It was, like, really frustrating. I felt really under-supported.

Having to take out loans has made me pretty upset. It also makes me think a lot more. I feel pretty angry, and then I get a little bit resentful, 'cause, I think any Ph.D. course, like you get professors who are pretty laid back about things, because, I think there's like collegial attitudes... And also kind of the sense of like we're all adults here, we can be a little bit more casual. I feel a little bit of resentment towards that. Like some of the attitudes of my professors, because, I'm paying for this, so like I need this to be worth paying for, and sometimes I don't feel that it is, and I get very frustrated.

'Cause I had other options, and I might've chosen other options had I known the situation that I'd be in right now. I think about the future, and I get really freaked out about the future because now I'm gonna have, you know, $100,000 in loans I didn't think I was going to have. That impacts my ability to buy a house, which is already fairly inaccessible for my generation. It impacts my ability to have kids, 'cause I don't wanna have a kid if I still have loans. I'm 28-years-old, and by the time I graduate I'm gonna be 32, so am I gonna be able to pay off loans before my uterus is no longer able to carry a child safely? I don't know, so this might be ruining my ability to have a family.

I think for me, I guess helping others and doing a job that feels meaningful and part of a solution and not the problem, is more important than that, but it's a bigger sacrifice than what I thought that I was making. And this has influenced me as a student, too. I genuinely think I would be doing more and better work if I wasn't so stressed about my finances, and I didn't spend an hour doing the reapplication process for SNAP every six months. I spend four hours on the phone with financial aid every semester. I spend time tabulating my spreadsheet for my budget every week, I update this, and that takes up time. I spend so much time and so much energy thinking about these things, and I'm really tired. I'm also angry, and I don't m-... P- like it gets me very... I mean, I think it's a personality thing, I suppose. But this stresses me out, and I don't wanna stress myself out more on Opportunity's behalf, right? If I apply for a grant, which I do not have the time and energy to do, but if I were to really push myself and apply for a grant, that money would go to the institution. I don't want to provide more money for the institution. They're making me pay them money, and then I have to be in debt, and then I'm gonna work and then get more money for them? Absolutely not. I'm not doing that. And I want to want to apply for grants. That's something that's good for my career. But I don't want to do that. It just doesn't make sense to me. It's affecting how I, like, feel about the institution, and my education, and, I really wish that wasn't the case. Because, it's affecting my morale, and motivation to do things that are important to me, but I'm feeling a little indignant.

I think my work as a student is constantly impacted by these things. Now, we talk about cognitive load. Like, my cognitive load is going towards, being stressed about my finances, and the future, and feeling really under-supported and angry about it. And that's pretty distracting and demotivating. Yeah, I think it's kinda constantly indirectly affecting my coursework. In terms of like direct impact, I mean, there's the time-suck of applying for all of these things, that I could otherwise be allocating towards important things, like my studies. I think like I feel a lot of anxiety and frustration bubbling up as I talk about these things, and also kind of sad because it makes me think about my childhood and how I grew up. I don't wanna think about it like that, but it's making me a lot more salient as I repeat a lot of the experiences. I really, wanted to not be in this position at this point in my life.

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