“The thought of burdening other people is what makes me so afraid:”
“The thought of burdening other people is what makes me so afraid:”
The Story of Katelyn
The Story of Katelyn
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Demographics: White Female, Undergraduate in Psychology
Tags: Psychology, Undergraduate, Food Insecurity, Financials, Working Student
ElevenLabs_katelyn.mp3My name is Katelyn. I'm a sophomore, but a junior credit-wise. I'm from North Jersey, majoring in psychology with a minor in pre-med, so I plan on attending medical school after this. I want to do adolescent medicine, but I want to specialize in kids with disorders.
For fun, I work a lot and do a lot of volunteer work. I'm very passionate about animals, so I work with two shelters when I'm home. Even at school, I foster for a shelter here. Basically, I want to be the physician overseeing healthcare while patients are in a treatment center or receiving some sort of help for their mental health. In the future, not that I would want to be out of a job, but I would wish that I really wouldn't be needed because then people wouldn't be struggling with their mental health. As much as I think that your healthcare providers make a difference in what you're doing when it's mental health, it's more dependent upon the individual and how they're gonna oversee their care. Especially with what I want to do, it's more like depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, where they can't force you to want to get better. It's really dependent upon that person. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody to struggle with that type of thing, but for me to do that position, requires people to struggle.
I always knew I wanted to do a healthcare position, just because I really enjoyed biology, and many of my family members worked there. I didn't know what specialty I wanted to go into. Then I found myself struggling with an eating disorder and having to see a specific doctor. It made me want to be that support system for somebody else, because I think it's a lot easier to connect and relate and understand when you're somebody speaking from experience rather than just what you're taught from a textbook or something. In high school, and even now, I did have to go to multiple treatment centers, and even now I don't really consider myself better, I guess, so to speak. Like, I definitely still struggle with it every day. I was so lucky to have a family that was there for me. They weren't the type of family that just abandoned me and made me go to treatment alone. Many of the people I met in treatment had those circumstances.
Even though I had so much support and doctors who were more than qualified, it didn't make the process easier. It still came down to me. Definitely, in the beginning, I found a lot of ways to kind of cheat the system and try and let my disorder win while still obliging to what they were requiring me to do. Especially because I was a minor, it was more me getting forced into it than genuinely wanting to have a life again. For instance, when I first started with this, I was receiving online treatment because of COVID-19, and it was based on the honor system. So I would meet with my team and other people receiving treatment over Zoom, and it was kind of on you. They would tell you what you had to eat and what you had to do, and you were just supposed to be eating in front of the camera and doing it on your own, on your own time. As helpful as it was to still have some sort of treatment provided despite COVID, it made it a lot easier to just lie about what I was doing, and say I was eating a lot more than I was, or just not doing it at all. Whereas an in-person place, they're much more on top of you, and ultimately they can really force you to do it because you're there and you're in their care. Whereas online, it was very much on me.
It's hard to explain, and probably hard to understand if you haven't struggled with it, but for a really long time, the grocery store was a trigger-central thing for me. Going there was just the most overwhelming thing. Even with my mom, she would do her best to try and encourage me to get stuff, but being surrounded by so much stuff at once and so many people, it felt like I was suffocating. It was almost a panic attack every time I walked into a grocery store, and I was just not able to breathe. I think that at Opportunity’s Pantry, there's less stuff and there are fewer people. With so many people at the grocery store, I always felt the need to rush and grab something right away, or that people were judging me about what I was getting. Or maybe that they were thinking the same way I was thinking, like, "Oh, is this, is this girl like fat and getting a bunch of food," or, "Does she have an issue, and is that why she's getting a healthier option," type of thing? I don't necessarily feel so many people are watching me and potentially thinking that when I'm at the pantry.
I do think it was a control aspect that led me to develop the disorder. A lot of stuff in my life just seemed up in the air. I didn't have a big sense of control, and food gave me a sense of control. It's something that I can really have a say in, and I was good at, so to speak. But also being exposed to like so many people going on diets, even in my family, and like at school. Just the way society depicts stuff in the media, I think, had a huge influence on me.
So talking more about my financial situation at home, I wouldn't say I am super poor or completely independent. I definitely do have my parents' support and they do assist me with some of the stuff that I need to afford. But I think I've always kind of had that very anxious and obsessive-compulsive kind of mentality, so the thought of going to school and having to afford things in the future stresses me out to no end. I have worked since I was 14, and I try to save all of my money, but I always kind of still think that I'm not doing enough or that I'm going to end up in a situation where I don't have any money, and I'm always trying to avoid that.
I think with school, that you're putting so much money into it, and it's almost like if you're not going to get a good job out of school, did you just go a hundred thousand dollars in debt and then you're not making it back? I feel like when you are going to school, a lot of people say, "Oh, you gotta go spend the money to make money," type of thing, but there's never a guarantee that you're going to get that position or that you're going to get that high-paying job. So I feel like that always lingers in my head, like, "What if I don't make enough money? What if I'm unsuccessful and can't afford the necessities? Am I going to have to be reliant on other people for the rest of my life?" The thought of not being in control, the potential of not being able to afford the things I need, and burdening other people is probably what makes me so afraid.
That’s why I got my first job on my 14th birthday, right when I could. I worked as a counter girl until I was 16, and then I got a second job. I worked two jobs then, all the rest of high school. I had two jobs in both summers of college so far. I work one job when I'm here. Those were more college-focused. Initially, I did plan on going to the other school, which was Duke, and I would've had some aid because I was going to play softball there. But when my disorder started, I wasn't allowed to play softball, so I lost all of that scholarship money that I would've had. I think it would've been more affordable, for sure, just because they're the type of school that offers a much higher aid for sports versus academics. But even now, reflecting on it, I still don't know if I would've been able to make ends meet. I think it would've been a lot more stressful. As I said, the financial aspect was a big reason I came to Opportunity University. I got into the school that I originally had my heart set on since I was so young, but I didn't receive much aid out of what their tuition overall cost. So I ended up coming to Opportunity University just because they were able to provide me with more financial aid.
I think another thing impacting my financial situation at home is that my dad is disabled. All of my life, at least. Like when my sibling was younger, he wasn't injured yet, but he’s been injured, basically, as long as I can remember he was hurt, from a work accident, and obviously finances... Coming from two working parents to one working and one on disability, it's a huge financial cut, so I think that also plays a role. They do everything they can to provide for me, and they never want to make me feel like, "Oh, like I have to go out of my way..." Or I ever need to feel like, "Oh, I can't eat" or something like that, but I think it's almost like in your nature as a person to feel like you're almost burdening them. Or that you wanna help out in some way so that you can alleviate some of their stress since they've given up so much for you as a parent. Before the accident, I would say my parents were probably a lot more comfortable in terms of finances, just because his work accident kind of was right around when I was born. So it was like, not only did they get the hit of, "Oh, another kid is gonna be a lot more money," but also the pay cut. Especially when I was younger, I was extremely difficult, especially with food, just because I was allergic to everything. I had to be put on specific formulas and everything, that was a lot more expensive, like four times the cost of an average baby formula. So I think that made it a lot harder on them because they had those two new financial burdens, plus the fact that the only thing that I could consume without really bad consequences, was extremely expensive.
Even then, growing up, when my dad was still on disability, I knew it was just a lot less money. He would budget his stuff and always avoid anything that was fun. He'd give it up so that me and my brother could do what we wanted to do or so that he could afford everything that we needed. I think that's probably why I wanted to work right away so that it wasn't always me that was getting what I needed or what I wanted to do. I wanted my parents to be able to live their lives, and not just every single thing they did had to be so that I could have fun or have what I needed. That said, I think my parents have never really inflicted the idea that I am a burden. It's just kind of been how I've felt, I guess, since I do think my medical issues and everything, I know, are pretty costly. I feel like a lot of the stuff that they do, they give up for me, to make sure that my life is better. I know that's kind of not what you have to do as a parent, but it makes me feel bad that if it wasn't a financial thing to consider, they could probably be doing a lot more stuff that they might be a lot more excited about or enjoying.
I definitely do think that Opportunity’s Pantry is an amazing program that Opportunity University offers, and I know a lot of my friends at other universities. They're either unaware that they have a food bank, or they just don't have those types of resources. I feel like it alleviates a lot of the stress and burden that Opportunity University students feel, because I know for me, even coming here, the main reason I did come was because of the amount of financial aid they were willing to give me. Knowing that I was paying for my own education and that I would have to go to medical school after that would be another financial burden, I was already kind of afraid of how much debt I would go into or how I would be able to afford just about anything. Knowing that that resource is there, I take advantage of what they can offer me. I think it makes it easier for a lot of students, too, because I know I don't have my car here, so if I do want stuff, it's kind of a matter of even getting there. It's not even a matter of being able to afford the stuff, and having something on campus that's so accessible makes the entire experience so much easier.
Opportunity’s Pantry, allows me to focus more on my studies. Since I don't have to worry about working as much. I still work, but it's easier and less of a financial burden on me. I think it does bring a sense of community too. A lot of the people who work at Opportunity’s Pantry, they're very kind, and I talk to some of them outside of just going there for assistance and have become friends with a lot of them. The first time I decided to use it, it was actually, I didn't know about it. And I do think a lot of students don't know about it. I know none of my roommates knew about it until I kinda was like, "Oh, like why don't you come with me and see, you know, what this place is?" But it was a requirement for one of my classes to go stop in. At first, I just went there to meet that requirement, until I saw how much they offer and how much you can take advantage of what they're offering you.
It was like a freshman class that all freshmen had to take the first semester. I don't know if it was their way of trying to expose us to what is offered on campus, but they just wanted us to go check it out. We had to, obviously, sign in at Opportunity Pantry and then write a reflection about it, what we experienced, and what we thought about it. So, initially, all I anticipated doing was walking in, taking a look around, writing my reflection, and being done with it. But I think The Shop definitely helped financially especially last year, I hated the dining hall a lot, and I didn't find a lot of stuff that I was either willing to eat as a picky eater or felt comfortable eating at that point, and I think Opportunity Pantry really allowed me to be able to afford stuff that I actually would eat, rather than wasting meal swipes. Opportunity’s Pantry made me capable of making stuff in my dorm. This year, I feel like even going with my friends, we'll find stuff that either we couldn't get a ride from groceries, or we didn't have a way of getting these exact resources. If you don't have a car, there are not many grocery stores that are within walking distance. If you were to try and order a car service or something, that's another expense, and you might be adding $30 or $40 just to go back and forth between them.
Going more into other resources I’ve used, I volunteered with Opportunity’s Fresh Food Program but haven't done it myself, like going as somebody receiving. I have gone once or twice on the grocery shuttle, but I do still think Opportunity’s Pantry is more convenient, because I know with the shuttle it's during certain times. It only sometimes works with your class schedule, and it's a little bit farther, and you have to actually go into the store, versus when you're here, it's literally right across the street. The only issue with the resources on campus is that I think a lot of people don't know about them, especially the freshmen. Even my roomies, who are all sophomores, had no idea about Opportunity’s Pantry until I showed them a couple of months ago.
One way to advertise it to more people would be the school's social media pages. I don't think we got them as much this year, but I know our Community Assistant did a lot of events and put fliers on our doors and stuff, and we learned about a lot of stuff through that. So if CAs were willing to hang fliers around for the dorms, I think it would get a lot more recognition. I do think Opportunity’s Pantry is a really great resource, not even just for college students, but I always see even the local families coming in, and everybody seems to get so much out of it.
Speaking about my experience is difficult because I've never actually spoken about this with anyone, besides a therapist. None of my friends know that any of this has ever gone on, that I've gone anywhere, so it's hard to talk about that. It's hard for me to also talk about the financial aspect because it almost makes me feel guilty in a way because I know there are so many people worse off. That I shouldn't really be complaining or saying that I struggle so much, because I know compared to other people, I am probably living the life and have so many more opportunities than, unfortunately, some people don't have. It makes me a lot more hesitant in all aspects because I feel people might think, "Oh, why are you taking advantage of Opportunity’s Pantry, and taking food from people who could need it more?" I think even with my disorder, I thought that because a lot of the people who did go and get help had some big trauma that I never experienced. That they either were assaulted, or that they grew up in foster care or something, and it made me just feel like, "Why am I struggling so much?" Like, "I had a good life. I never had some major trauma happen to me." Or even going to get food, "I don't have some major trauma that somebody else might, so why do I deserve any assistance?" I guess having trauma just feels more justifiable to get help, then. You have a reason, and it makes sense why you might be struggling. But for me, if I'm struggling, then I feel like it's all on me for why I'm struggling.
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